My stuff and your stuff: I write books, produce music, rant a bit, and in the meantime review things other people have done. With words.



Gay. Gay, gay, gay. I’m gay, you’re gay and hey, we’re all gay. I think I read somewhere that they were Napoleon’s last words. Almost certainly. It doesn’t matter.


It’s important to start with a disclaimer: I’m not gay. I haven’t got any reason to dislike gay people or any reason to assume all gay people are OK or not, because let’s face it: they’re just like everybody else except they’re really into cock ‘n balls. Lots of women are too, and in other less developed countries, so are the pets, but here we’re gonna be tackling the issue of gay. I really don’t care who is gay. Just got to make that clear.


So why is this an issue that needs tackling? Easy: I’m scared of the concept of having a gang of people who declare themselves as different and then complain when they set up their segregations and find themselves… erm… segregated.


I’m the kind of guy whose arsehole is a one-way street. As soon as a damp penis starts prodding at the rear entrance to my fleshy temple, I’m vehemently opposed to escalation of that situation.

This is a screen grab. While I recognise there's a need to promote acceptance and harmony in society, this is like a bunch of Africans trying to join the KKK.

Perhaps this will be misconstrued as homophobia. It isn’t, although I was raised in a Christian environment and was effectively taught that gay people were evil. That was a hard concept and even more so now because I’ve met and enjoyed the company of several gay people, men and women. Not sexually, mind, because as a ‘straight’ chap I don’t like the off-chickeny flavour, but I’ve found that we’re all just human beings and all just as guilty of being human and all that goes with such an affliction. But my sexual proclivities are as much your business as yours are mine: not at all, then.


So why do gay people call themselves gay? What’s the point of ‘coming out’? The community is, it seems by its own doing, segregated to a point where we have gay bars, gay clubs, gay hairdressers and gay bakeries, so how can a gay person complain that they are set apart to their disadvantage when it’s the very thing they’re pursuing? Being gay, it seems, has less to do with sexual preference and more to do with having a shared ‘identity’.


Some years ago I read a complaint on Ceefax (the old UK shonky-TV-text-news system) that the Lesbian and Gay Christian Movement was going to sue the Church of England for sidelining them during talks of some sort. I don’t recall exactly, but it was definitely something about being sidelined.


So I thought to myself: if you didn’t feel the need to call yourselves the Lesbian and Gay Christian Movement then it wouldn’t be a problem, eh!? It’s even odder because the Bible apparently states that homosexuality is sin, so why on Earth are you guys trying to join a club which has a clause in its handbook to say you’re unnatural and doomed to the eternal fire? It’s like a group of Africans trying to join the KKK.


Look at all the media output: Queer as Folk for example seemed to most ‘straight people’ to be some kind of public wanking showcase. And now we have Grindr, one vowel short but presumably responsible for gallons full of chapshots left in car parks and railway sidings all over the place.


I once watched a man on a train to Bristol arrange sex on his phone. He got off at a stop otherwise inconvenient to him so he could meet a chap for a bit of ‘oooooooooh, what?’ and I wondered: what happens after? ‘Thanks for that, yeah.’ ‘Yeah, thanks.’ ‘You’ve got a bit on your shoe.’ ‘Ah, cheers. Thanks.’


See, it’s dirty. No, it is. Is heterosexual stuff less dirty? Yes. I think broadly it is, apart from the niche stuff with the funny names – the Cleveland Steamer, for example. But I also think that Grindr and Queer as Folk are not geared towards proper homosexuals, those who just want a companion and a relationship to build on. There’s a new breed who just want to slam drugs, shit in each other’s arses and watch Supermarket Sweep while they arrange the next liaison. But that’s just the same for Tinder users, who are hetero (potentially) and on the prowl for sex. In any case, as Grindr came first (fnaaaaar) I’m laying this at the sticky feet of the homosexual ‘Waitrose car park wank’ brigade. Perhaps it’s all just indicative of the times, where sex is now so readily available without any of that annoying ‘getting to know each other’ stuff.


Meanwhile, the normal people, gay or not, get on with their lives. There’s no coming out or joining the Lesbian and Gay Darts Society of Kent, because that kind of self-segregation is entirely unnecessary. Again, I don’t imagine a scenario where a hetero darts player encountered a homo one and suggested: ‘Hey, your style is a bit gay. Why not set up a needlessly single-minded, homo-exclusive segregated sports niche?’


I struggle with it all. Why is ‘gay’ a word even still in use to describe people who are just like any other people but fancy people of the same sex? It’s still laden with stigma in the media, but it seems to me it’s only the media that is perpetuating this hateful nonsense – that gay people are different.


So to all you ‘gay culture’ perpetuators out there: by all means continue being gay but stop making a pseudo-culture out of it. There’s no need. You’re really just like everyone else. Drop the word, drop the ‘coming out’ stigma and just be who you are. It’s not shameful or different. It’s how you feel. But if you’re a cruising sex machine touring the car parks of East Anglia and sowing your seed into people’s hands and mouths as if that’s a normal pursuit, it isn’t. It’s as disgusting as chaps and lasses doing it. Keep your fluids out of the municipal parking areas.


Ditch ‘Gay Pride’. There’s no ‘Straight Pride’, is there? No. Ditch ‘gay icons’ too. There’s no need for any of that. They’re just people who everyone fancies, usually: Kylie, Madonna, etc. Yawn. Gay is even a genre: films, music, even a radio station – Gaydio. Why? How does this stuff help bring us all together?


So snap out of it, everyone. Gays, straights, whatever. It doesn’t matter. None of what you do matters, given you’re less than a mere microsecond of the universe. You could argue the same thing about the last 1,000 and all the other words I’ve written here, but at least I’m trying to make a point.